I’M BACK

Yesterday morning, I had a strange experience where I felt as though a fog lifted off of me, and I spontaneously came out of (what I now recognize as) a very long depression.

For some context, let me fill you in on what’s been going on behind the scenes…

2024 was an incredibly difficult year for me, and I spent much of my time wrestling with God, my sense of purpose, and trying to pin down the point of existence.

I also had undiagnosed Raynaud’s disease which, by itself isn’t a big deal… but not knowing what it was initiated a cascade of gruesome events that destroyed my mental health in ways I will never forget.

My OCD was also ravaging my life at this time.

I spent hours each day in front of the mirror, closely inspecting my sclera for abnormalities.

Just imagine me sitting in front of a full length mirror, millimeters away from the glass with a flashlight pointed directly at my eyeball.

I was so convinced that my eye needed to be removed, I would mentally “come to terms” with losing my eye, only to repeat all of this the next day.

And despite my best efforts, I was completely unable to stop.

While I poured all the energy I could muster into work, this whole thing made being on camera extremely difficult.

I became more and more isolated.
Everything felt meaningless.
My world and life suffered.

Of course there were some wonderful things that happened through all of this…

• I solved my existential crisis and found a refined perspective on desire (I talk about this in the Sandcastles + “Find your Fuel” episodes of my podcast.)

• I created Church and helped a ton of people redefine and repair their relationship with a higher power of their understanding.

• Some big things happened in my love life that I’m very proud of.

• I created Juicy!!! Which I now consider to be one of my best programs. I feel like how I designed and executed that program was really a testament to how much my craft has improved.

• I made a new friend who I’m now very close to.

• My family and friends showed up for me big time, and it reminded me that I really have created epic relationships.

• I read, studied, and annotated the entire Bible! (And concluded I am most definitely not a Christian lol.)

There were plenty of wonderful things that happened… and 2024 will still go down as a particularly rough year for me.

Eventually, around September, I accepted that I needed to make some major changes and moved, which, for many reasons, felt like starting from zero.

My OCD went into remission immediately upon moving.

I took a few weeks to regroup, hang out with friends, go to some of my favorite restaurants, and clear my mind.

Since we were already approaching the new year, I decided to use the opportunity to put everything under a microscope and take inventory of… just about everything.

My desires, my goals, my values, my successes, my failures, my actions, my priorities, my aim.

I got serious about my goal setting and plans for 2025.
I brought my desires front and center.
I vowed to take phenomenal care of myself.
I committed to making up for 2024 (as they say, God will pay you double for your trouble.)
I adopted a zero tolerance policy for any bullshit.
I went all in on my personal practices.
I immersed myself in personal development.
I applied myself every day.
I gave myself what I needed moment by moment.
I kept myself in conversations that reminded me I can be, do, and have whatever I want.
I showed up as if my wellbeing was a life or death issue.
I spent time investing in relationships that are important to me.
I started taking meditative walks regularly.
I put myself on a strict mental diet.
I absolutely refused to tolerate a shitty life in any capacity.

In January of this year, I launched Full Tilt which was born out of the previous 2+ years of personal wrestlings, and it turned out to be a relatively small (it’s 3 modules) but mighty program!

Stick with me, this is a key part of the story.

One of the major things that I learned from recent years is how complacency isn’t neutral… it’s quite dangerous, spiritually speaking. I don’t know how else to put it. Lack of motion forward translates as mental and spiritual suffering.

“You’re either green and growing or ripe and rotten.”

I poured everything I understood about this into Full Tilt, and the most important conversation I have in that program is about desire.

There is a reason why I spent nearly TWO HOURS on desire alone.

If desires are not clear, strong, and true… everything else will fall apart.

You will be building your house on quicksand.

Now, one of the things I figured out in 2024 was how to solve this problem, and so I had been trying to clearly identify my own desires for several months. (For those of you who listened to the sandcastles episode, I really wanted to find my next big sandcastle.)

At first, it was just like starting a fire. I would get a few sparks, but it wasn’t enough heat to create a full flame.

Every day I would try to start the fire.

For a while I just got sparks, but no flame… I kept after it anyway.

Eventually I got a flame, but it was still small and could get snuffed out by the wind at any moment, so I kept feeding it.

And before I knew it, I had a raging fire going.

Desires aside, my efforts over the past few months really started to compound in every area of my life…

It seemed like everything started to come back online.

• My fluidity with podcasting and speaking returned.

• I started craving even more exercise.

• My optimism became unshakable.

• I solved my headache issue which I was struggling with for five years (!!!)

• My desire to create returned, and not just picking low hanging fruit (I’m still a huge fan of that strategy!) but my desire to pour myself into creating returned.

And then yesterday morning, I felt this strange fog lift, and for the first time, I wanted to be on camera again… Not just forcing myself to because it’s part of my job, but wanted to.

I used to take portraits all the time, and before yesterday, I couldn’t remember the last time I took one that wasn’t for a thumbnail.

So yesterday, I posted a 20 second video on Instagram. The first comment that was posted said:

“She’s back 🔥🔥🔥🔥”

Of course she didn’t know how significant the timing of this comment was, but she was 100% right.

I thought to myself “damn… it’s that palpable.”

And it’s true.
I’m back.

I have so many plans and so many things I want to make for you.
Thank you for sticking around.
I appreciate you more than you know.