MY 2023 RECAP… IT WAS A WILD RIDE
I broke down my 2023 month by month, and looking at it start to finish was quite surprising! Let’s dive in:
JANUARY: 2023 started with a major cliffhanger. I moved out of the big house, threw all my shit in storage and went to crash with family while I figured out where I was going to live next.
FEBRUARY: had a ridiculous amount of success, gained almost 10k followers after a video went viral. Had the biggest mastermind launch to date, and was spending my time going on walks in nature and eating nice meals.
MARCH: felt inspired to look at houses by the beach. I looked at one place, it was everything I wanted, and I was approved right away.
APRIL: I moved into my new place, fell into a severe depressive episode and became suicidal. Toward the end of the month, for whatever reason, I was led to purchase a Bible.
MAY: I didn’t make it all the way through reading Genesis, but my prayer practice was reinvigorated. I recommitted to making God my main squeeze and the suicidal ideation finally lifted. I started working A LOT. Despite all my effort, it ended up being one of the worst launches of 2023.
JUNE: I worked so much to the point where I needed to recover, so I got into a groove of beach walks every morning and trying lots of new restaurants.
JULY: my creativity really took off this month and out of sheer desperation, I sharped up my manifestation skills. I launched Once Upon a Time and had one of the best launches of the year.
AUGUST: beach, food, work, beach, food, work, beach, food, work, beach, food, work. 🌴🥪👩🏼💻
SEPTEMBER: beach, food, work… and prepare for the 5th round of APEX!!! I was also going through a lot of emotional development in my love life at this time.
OCTOBER: APEX started, so you already know this month was full! Plus, I launched Slut Magic again and of course I hemorrhaged hundreds of followers because of that lol. Cumulatively, I’ve lost a couple thousand followers over Slut Magic.
NOVEMBER: finally settled into my brand DNA for the first time ever. Prepared to launch Church for the first time. Had a migraine that doubled as a spiritual experience/borderline exorcism, it was like I physically purged my attachment issues. Oh, and I randomly took on a bunch of short term 1:1 clients for the first time in a year.
DECEMBER: launched Church, started implementing new habits, and fell in love with… Bible study (lol it shocks me too). Put God at the top of my priority list and the WILDEST things have been happening ever since. ⛪️✨🕊️
The biggest thing I realized in 2023 is there was no reason to stress or worry. If you can skip to the part where you have faith and know, everything will go much smoother.
There was never any reason to brace for impact.
2023 also confirmed (once again) that the whole “just work hard and put in effort” is not true for me. My WORST launch was when I worked the hardest and created the most content.
If that paradigm works for you, that’s great. For myself, it’s the least effective and most exhausting.
2023 forced me to remember my dependency on God (and I’m not mad about it!) Muggles make things hard, God makes things effortless.
Lastly, I realized this year how disconnected I’ve been from my vision… 2023 started off with so much chaos I got swept away in the momentum. I felt myself constantly reaching for stability in all areas, without reconnecting to my bigger vision, which is very unusual for me.
Now I really, really know that my stability comes from my connection to God (or source if you prefer that verbiage), but the magic comes from my willingness to fixate on my big, outrageous visions.
Cheers to 2024 exceeding your expectations! 🥂
A FORKLIFT SLICED THROUGH THE ROOF OF MY CAR...
One day I drove past a construction zone, and a forklift sliced through the roof of my Honda Civic…
Not only was my car totaled, but I lost my home, all my money, all my clients, another car 🍋, and my relationship with my best friend at the time. Oh, and debt collectors were calling me and I made a bad investment. All within a few weeks.
I often refer to this period of time as my first direct, undeniable experience of God.
In the time following the forklift incident, I continued to couch surf and spent my time in continual prayer and meditation. And I mean… 6-8 hours of meditation per day. Where most people would have pounded pavement, I chose to depend solely on God. 🕊️
As quickly as God removed everything from my life, he rebuilt it and added interest…
Within a month of my persistent meditation & prayer I received a check for $12,000, a new home, a new job, a car, and a new career path. (My work today would not exist had I not been redirected).
I also know that my relationship with God would not be what it is today had I not been able to witness the speed in which God can rebuild and replenish.
The only thing I know for sure is I wouldn’t have been able to make all that happen, that fast, through action alone… I am certain my decision to seek God is what allowed so many miracles to occur so quickly.
So… yes, God is kind of a big deal, and that’s also why the focus of my work is connection to this divine, omnipresent source of love. The more you know!
PS: this is a gentle reminder that Church closes this Wednesday 12/20 (and likely won’t be open again until Summer 2024).
AN ENCOUNTER WITH GOD...
(SIDE NOTE: when I say God, I’m talking about the infinite, loving stream of consciousness that animates us all. Whether you call it The Divine, Source, love, or whatever else doesn’t matter to me - I just happen to like the personified feeling of the word “God” it feels more like an intimate relationship.)
Okay… now let’s get into the story!
A year and a half ago, I had an encounter with God that radically shifted my faith.
I was driving home from San Diego when I started to tell God “you know… I’m worried that I’m being teased with my desires, like they’re nothing more than a carrot dangling in front of me. I’ve been waiting so long and I’ve done so much work on myself to prepare, I don’t understand why this isn’t happening for me.”
When an overwhelming, thundering (internal) voice responded with “do you trust me?”
The presence was so intense, I started to cry.
Then, I said “yes, I’m just scared of disappointment.”
As I turned a corner, the road opened up and I was surrounded by a breathtaking landscape, right at golden hour. (Naturally I was in full blown hysterics at this point).
Before that moment, for awhile, I was wondering if my desires were “wrong” or if my aim was off. I said many times before, “if this wasn’t right, for it to be removed from my experience.”
The day after my encounter in the car, God delivered my desire.🕊️
It still shocks me how many of these experiences I’ve had, and I still feel doubt, fear, and worry… but the one thing that has remained consistent: when I reach for God, talk to God, feel for God, magic always happens.
Whenever I am doubting or fearing, I am reminded of that moment in the car. I remember that the more I connect to God, the faster things move.
Even though I forget sometimes, I am reminded over and over that all the good shit comes from harmonizing with God.
Of course this is what we’re focusing on in my new membership, your unique, personal relationship with God…
Church is open until 12/20!
COMMITMENT WEEK (APEX: WEEK 6)
(commitment week)
Okay let’s pick up where we left off last week, post migraine…
When I told you it felt like a lifetime emotional poison left my body that night I was serious. The biggest thing that happened for me this week was the fact that my attachment issues have seemingly completely vanished… no avoidance, no fear, no anxiety, nothing!
I definitely didn’t have that on my bingo card for this round of APEX but here we are.
Honestly I don’t have much of an update this week as I’ve been working quite a lot - recording lots of podcasts, writing a lot, working on a new project (cough cough, definitely get on the waitlist here hehe).
The one big thing that I realized this week was a major change I’ll be making to APEX for the next round. It’s actually a big update for the protocol itself which I am super excited about, and I think it’s really going to change the impact and sustainability of month 2.
Anyway, that’s all for this week!
Learn more about APEX, here:
REALIGNMENT WEEK (APEX: WEEK 5)
(realignment week)
Oh boy… this week was an intense shift. You may remember from my week 3 recap that I explained I could feel a major opportunity to break out of the “need” cycle and into creation from pure desire.
My assessment was correct, but it’s unfolded in some unsuspecting ways…
Last weekend, I started to notice myself becoming quite paranoid. I was having nightmares and would wake up with raging anxiety with no clear origin: every time I tried to find the source it would shape-shift. Despite regulating myself to the best of my ability, I couldn’t quite shake this feeling.
This went on for several days leading up to my Notes From Future Self Workshop, which I’m now doing at the end of each month for those on my newsletter. If you’re not familiar with this process - this aspect of the story matters a lot. I’ll post some info at the bottom of this blog.
Without going into too much detail, essentially, at the end of the month, you write a few statements from the future version of you one month ahead. Then, when you open it at the end of the month, you get to see how everything shook out compared to your statements.
Whether the statements themselves “come true” or not isn’t the most important part, however… I do find that simply connecting to your future self and making the statements will begin to shift things around.
This is where things get interesting…
I think this will be best illustrated if I list out the exact series of events that unfolded.
I had terrible anxiety for some unknown reason.
I checked and cleared myself of any parasitic attachments that may have been causing this.
A few days later, I hosted the Notes From Future Self Workshop (October 31st).
One of my personal statements from the workshop was “yes, it’s happening.”
The next day, November 1st, I did some embodiment work and realized that October 27th was the anniversary of a car accident that changed the trajectory of my life (a forklift sliced through the roof of my car as I drove past a construction zone).
October 27th was also the anniversary of the beginning of my major mental health crisis in 2017. I consider October 27th to be “the day it started,” as that was when my stress vomiting began (this detail is important) and mental health became unmanageable without professional help.
During this same embodiment session, I received a text message which started a conflict.
A couple hours later, I did an emotional, facial massage/tension release.
That massage (along with everything else) triggered a migraine.
That migraine led to hours of relentless pain and vomiting bile.
During one of my dozen trips (literally) to the bathroom, I had this intense wave of awareness wash over me - it felt like a lifetime of emotional poison was leaving my body. It was… so similar to what happened in 2017.
While it wouldn’t be my first choice for how I would like to complete a 6 year cycle, it was complete nonetheless.
The following day, November 2nd, I was still coming out of the migraine haze, but there was a substantial emotional shift. There was absolutely no fear or anxiety in my body any longer. All of the scary stories I used to ruminate about seemed ridiculous - even impossible.
Then, my newfound fearlessness and fresh perspective led me to deeper honesty and clarity. That led to some aligned risk taking and boundary setting which shattered the perpetuation of old dynamics. That led to next level empowerment regarding my creatorship.
And even though I didn’t understand why a certain conflict emerged, I now realize it had to do with that one teeny tiny statement: “yes, it’s happening.” Had I not been presented with a certain conflict, I would not have had the opportunity to set a particular boundary which changes the trajectory of everything.
To be clear, I’m not saying that fear is no longer a part of my life, or that I don’t feel fear (that would not be good lol). It was a specific, contextual fear that transformed.
One of the things that I often say about APEX is that it will always surprise you. This is my 5th round and it still takes me for a ride.
How the pieces of our lives are being Divinely orchestrated and reorganized are not visible to the physical mind, but the important part is that you simply know that they are. It’s important that you not “call it too soon,” so you can see what’s on the other side.
The events of your life do not have any meaning aside from what you choose to project onto them. The more you get into the habit of assuming it is all for you, the more it will reveal itself to be for you.
While I definitely didn’t expect the events of this week to occur, one thing that I know for sure is that the effects will have a massive impact on the months and years to come. The more I do this, the more I’m able to see how the seeds of today will take on a life of their own sooner than I think.
It’s still blowing my mind that I’m only a little more than 1/2 way through APEX. The plasticity of time is more evident than ever…
Anyway, there’s more to come, so stay tuned!
xoxoxoxo
NOTES FROM FUTURE SELF WORKSHOP RESOURCES
CLARITY WEEK (APEX: WEEK 4)
(clarity week)
Right around week 4 or 5 is when things can start to get a little fussy… it’s often the biggest growth spurt, and I find that this is the time when most internal and external pieces begin shifting significantly. This isn’t always the case, but it’s common.
During the previous round, I moved a week and a half into APEX, which is absolutely brutal on my nervous system more so than the average person. By week 4, I was in the throws of a major depression that sent me running into the arms of God once again (I’m getting emotional thinking about it now). It’s important to note that my intention last time was to “deepen my relationship with God” *eye roll* - I definitely did NOT need to do that.
Needless to say, I got what I asked for. My spiritual practice changed a lot, as did my listening.
This time, my intention was to play full out as much as possible, specifically with my work - I didn’t know exactly how that would present itself, but I was willing to take it day by day. One of my work-related intentions was to write 1,000 words per day (on average) even if I don’t publish it and I suspect I’ve greatly exceeded that. By day 22, I filled up over 100 pages in my journal, and that doesn’t even include work related writing.
During the Slut Magic launch, I found myself getting annoyed with my own lack of brand cohesion, an issue that never bothered me previously. I no longer liked the feeling of creative and visual whiplash that would happen with every seasonal shift. It was as if every time I launched something, it didn’t feel quite like my essence.
This was further illustrated when I started posting re-contextualized porn memes (which I had a blast making by the way), and someone left a comment saying “what the fuck is this garbage?” and while I am well aware that it’s a highly polarizing program, the bigger issue was the lack of recognition. I wasn’t bothered by her being upset at my inappropriate meme… I was frustrated that people didn’t know it was me.
I was a random account to this person!
About half way through this week, I woke up and knew it was time to lock in my branding.
This is significant coming from a commitment-phobe… Over the past 6.5 years of building my business, I never felt like branding was a worthwhile use of energy considering my work was changing so quickly. To me, the effort and commitment required to establish a brand is the equivalent of getting hitched… so you better believe I was going to take my time dating.
Over the years, I played with different “vibes,” ran lots of experiments, honed my craft, really dug into the focal points of my purpose and passion, got clear on my mission… and I’m happy to announce that I feel soooooo dialed in and laser focused. Like I’ve shifted from bachelorette to happily married housewife. I also have something very exciting coming soon that will seamlessly blend in with all my recent branding decisions, it’s as if my entire life has been leading up to this culmination of my work… but for now, you’ll have to endure the tease hehe.
For me, branding needed to follow a clear vision and refined purpose. Now, it feels like I’m settled into something that will stand the test of time (just don’t ask me about fonts for the love of God.)
SIDE NOTE: I’m a big believer in picking the low hanging fruit first. There really is no need to spend 10,000 years overthinking branding you might change in 5 minutes. (Or worse, if you spend too much time and energy on something and then struggle letting it evolve or letting it die). To me, right next steps always make themselves evident.
I DITCHED ALL MY SHORT TERM GOALS
One of the most notable things that happened this week was the realization that my short term goals are getting in the way of my big vision, and ironically enough, I concluded this was slowing me down.
Decisions made for short term goals are very different from decisions that are made for long term vision, and when your focus is short term only… the Universe reflects short term only (and this also can energetically perpetuate the presence of problems but that’s a conversation for a different day). I didn’t really have awareness about how much I was doing this, but I realized it was stunting situations in multiple areas of my life in the name of short term “comfort.”
TO BE CLEAR, some people do great with short term goals and respond well to that kind of pressure! I am not one of those people. It’s important to know yourself and what you respond well to. Personally, my big dreams don’t do well being suffocated in the short term.
So… I decided to ditch the idea of short term goals completely… even annual goals are a distraction at this point. The time piece really shouldn’t be considered unless you can use it constructively, as it can disrupt your state now - and now is what creates your experience of “later” anyway.
I’ll let you know how this experiment goes.
MY LATEST OBSESSION: CONCEPT ART
With my recent branding revelation also came an unexpected obsession: concept art.
I’m not sure if any of you can relate to this, but I draw far more inspiration from the manmade “world” than the natural world. I mean sure, the half dome in Yosemite surely has a great view… but it doesn’t give me that ✨magic✨ feeling. I’m not going to get much inspiration by going to Bryce Canyon and looking at rocks all day.
…but you take me to Las Vegas? Suddenly I’m FLOODED with inspiration.
Kinzie Madsen (a fellow creator I follow online) refers to this as “fake towns,” and she’s also a fan. Places like Palm Springs, Disneyland, Las Vegas… you know… FAKE TOWNS. Overly curated environments. Literally everything from the horizon to the scent of the air you breathe is a curated experience.
AND I LOVE IT!
Perhaps it’s my Venus in Aquarius, but there’s something about the otherworldly, overly-curated, so-magical-it-can’t-be-real essence that really stimulates me.
Which leads me to this… Disney animation classic concept art:
Many of you know how active my imagination is, and if you’re in Astral Playground you’ve definitely experienced it for yourself.
But for whatever reason, concept art activates lots of my daydreams. Not necessarily scenes I imagine will happen in my life, but a feeling I desire to capture. Like a feeling of physical places I haven’t been to, but I know exist in some capacity essence wise. Or experiences that share that same essence.
This wave of inspiration got me really excited to re-watch Disney classics from my current perspective. I fully plan on watching them once I break my fast just to see what else it stirs up. Can you really go wrong with the sensation of more magic in your life?
Anyway, the point is, still art and concept art has unexpectedly been a massive source of manifestation inspiration for me. We all know that when you embody the sensation of it, compatible experiences will materialize on the heels of it.
So let this be a reminder to pay close attention to the things that activate sensations you want more of in your life. Seek them out, often (even if it is a bunch of rocks hehe).
THE NEXT ROUND OF APEX STARTS APRIL 2023
Learn more below.
MY BODY MODIFICATION PHILOSOPHY
Last week I shared the following post on social media and I wanted to use a longer format to expand on this more fully:
My philosophy on body modification can be broken down into two main parts:
1) Your physical body is your CHOSEN canvas to sculpt, adorn, and express whatever you’d like in this lifetime. 🎨
If we didn’t want the ability to change our body, style, and physique, then we wouldn’t have chosen to be human. I firmly believe that your body is a canvas that provides an opportunity to play with expression (among other things). The desire to emit radiance/beauty/strength/vitality and whatever else through the body is natural and normal.
I do not agree with the body positivity movement about abandoning the desire to be beautiful in favor of neutrality. Good luck with that.
EXPANDED:
Humans love to evolve and express, and our physical bodies are just one medium of our inevitable expansion.
We love discovering and experiencing things that have never been seen or done before… that includes unexplored territory with the physical body. Think: the 4 minute mile, spontaneous remissions, my breast growth (despite the fact that it’s not considered possible outside of puberty, pregnancy, or weight gain).
DAVID GOGGINS! This man has built an entire career on proving the body is more capable than the mind perceives. Now, his approach isn’t in alignment with the lifestyle I personally choose to cultivate, but you get the idea. He’s exploring uncharted territory of the physical body. His body and mind are the primary territories in which he pushes the most extreme limits.
While science has an obsession with limits and statistics, our souls experience suffocation around these things. Just feel how soul crushing these statements are:
There’s a 10% chance it will work.
You will never recover.
That’s not possible.
We’re out of options.
You won’t experience that version of your body again.
GAH! Don’t they just suck the life force out of you?! And don’t get me started on the scientific God complex…
Here’s the thing: we love possibilities. We love the new. We love discovery. We love next levels. We thrive feeling into new potentials. In Slut Magic terms, that would look like:
Feeling into next level hotness.
Feeling into next level ease around body modification.
Feeling into next level self love.
Feeling into next level pleasure.
Feeling into next level perspective and expectation.
I happen to believe that your physical body is a canvas for your highest expression on every level. Whether that’s fashion, archetypal energy, physique goals. athletic feats, elevated wellbeing, radiance and magnetism… whatever! Your body is the transmitter for your expression and desires.
Your body is a physical extension of Divine Love, God. Why wouldn’t we be able to find out what’s possible when it comes to the desires related to our physicality when we are meant to explore and express?
The bottom line: let’s have some fun with this medium of expression.
2) Body modification is a lifelong process with no destination.
I repeat: THERE IS NO DESTINATION. Body modification IS inherently a black hole and it’s important that we learn to navigate this responsibly. There will always be more beauty, more vitality, more strength, more radiance, less bloating, clearer skin, less weight, more proficient makeup application, more less more less more less. The metrics don’t have any limits (this is why eating disorders are deadly).
You may think there is finality, but once you get there, the goal posts will move once again.
Every pimple, stray hair, ill-fitting clothing item, and season of life results in expansion of our bodily desires…
You have a baby and discover a new vision for your postpartum body.
Someone dies, the grief makes you lose a bunch of weight, resulting in your desire to look healthy and full again.
You haven’t been attentive to your relationship with food and aren’t feeling your best.
The luteal phase comes around and all of a sudden you “look horrible” despite feeling great yesterday!
It never ever, ever ends. And that’s the point!
Every day, all the time, your cells are dying and being reborn. Your body is always in a state of change. Once you accept the long game, you can chill the fuck out and enjoy the seasons of your body and the desires that emerge.
Just know that a stationary, “perfect body” is a mirage. 🏝️ And depending on your relationship to your body, that can either be a major source of pain, or a major source of pleasure.
The whole reason why I created Slut Magic was so body modification feels like an orgasmic art project instead of an endless torture chamber!
…and that’s the philosophy behind it.
EXPANDED:
In truth, all of our desires feel like a mirage, not because they aren't real or will never materialize, but because once we arrive, a new one emerges.
All our desires keep us moving along an endless path of more more more more more. Beauty and physique are no different.
Think about all the body builders who prepare to be “stage ready,” only to find themselves feeling like shit, desperate to experience pleasure and freedom around food once again. Now, we can have a whole conversation about the eating disorders that come out of bodybuilding, but that’s not the point of my bringing this up.
It’s the emergence of the next desire.
Was being stage ready the final “perfect body?” NO!
What about supermodels who’s livelihood depends on their physique and how they look? Their grooming regimen, the flawlessness of their skin, the whiteness of their teeth, the perfection of their posture.
They could be living in the height of their runway career, drop dead gorgeous, being featured on the cover of magazines. For all intents and purposes, this may be perceived as the final, “perfect body.” But is it? NO!
Why?
Because of the next set of desires! In the midst of peak career success, the next best experience with the physical body is clarified, identified, and desired.
This isn’t to say that the current success is taken for granted, but the awareness of an even better experience is always on its heels.
In the case of models, maybe the next level desire is to feel relaxed and free with food… Or having the ability to prioritize taste and pleasure over macros and calories. Maybe it’s wanting total freedom around fashion and expression through personal style. Maybe it’s feeling secure being seen in lounge clothes. Maybe it’s wanting to step out from under the metaphorical microscope and mentally relax around mirrors. Maybe it’s freedom from comparison. Who knows!
The point here is that our relationship to our physical body, appearance, and self perception can bleed into countless areas. And it never ends!
The more awareness you have around this, the more you will be able to relax in your current state. Remembering… the ride is long and your desires never end. Choosing to make friends with where you are now, and enjoying every step into the next iteration of self.
Let your franticness melt, you’re gonna be doing this awhile.
The sooner you learn to fall in love with the movement toward your next level of physical expression (cosmetic, athletic, or otherwise), the more fun all of this gets to be.
My wish for you is that you learn to get endless pleasure out of your physicality and never-ending desires.
LIMITS WEEK (APEX: WEEK 3)
(limits week)
Week 3 is one of my favorite times during APEX because you really get into a flow state. You’re in a good rhythm, you’re cozy in the fast, most of the time you’re on top of your shit by this time. Emotions are also mostly stabilized (it can get pretty intense in the first couple of weeks when you’re no longer numbing).
By Wednesday, I noticed something interesting happen. As I looked at my life, I started to see that everything was good… like, really good. Like, so good I don’t need anything at all. Like… the best my life has ever been!
I started to take inventory of what was going on:
I live in a beautiful place.
I have more love and romance in my life than ever before, my relationship is thriving.
My creative flow is nonstop, and I’m consistently building on multiple media platforms.
My business is more stable than it’s ever been.
My relationship with money is secure and expectant. Scaling and growing is inevitable.
I feel great about my body.
My daily routines are dialed in, inspired, and not forced.
I’m exercising more than usual without a fleck of resistance (I plan on teaching how I did this inside Slut Magic at some point).
I’m handling my OCD like a pro and I’ve developed new tools for managing that.
All my impatience has completely dissolved.
I’m holding my connection to God consistently throughout the days, it feels as though I’m in constant prayer and appreciation.
Honestly, I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect peak goodness to feel like, but I came to an awareness that I “made it.”
On Thursday, October 19th, I started to feel paranoid. Nothing was happening, nothing was going wrong, I just noticed a very subtle resistance accompanied by paranoid thoughts.
I then realized that I was at my current threshold for goodness in my life… and in that very moment I had acute awareness that my next steps have the potential to be life changing.
Option 1: tolerate or diminish the paranoia with “ugh! I shouldn’t be feeling this way, nothing is ever good enough blah blah blah.”
Option 2: fucking floor it!
I chose the latter.
I spent hours excavating and massaging my mind and getting radically honest with myself. I looked at every fear, immediately. I left no stone unturned. I addressed my mindset and beliefs like my life depended on it.
I did embodiment work, I did yoga, I went for walks, I prayed and told God I feel ready to co-create from the space of better and better, more and more, and I meant it.
I could feel myself evolving out of the pattern of desperation and need. This was one of the most important moments of my life, I could feel it without knowing what would come of it. I knew I wanted to discover the territory beyond creation from need or poor self perception.
It felt like my entire life has been leading up to this, every drop of work I had been doing for the past 15 years was about to pay off in ways I couldn’t comprehend. I could feel the defining moment this was.
I self soothed like it was my full time job, I thanked my fears for showing me my resistance, beliefs, and definitions. I doused my life in appreciation, I expressed as much love as possible to the people around me. I meditated, a lot.
Look, there are some times when chilling, relaxing, taking it easy, and fucking around are appropriate, THIS WAS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES. I didn’t care if it was excessive, or if I wouldn’t see the impact of my work for the next 10 years. The urgency I felt in my bones cannot accurately be captured by human language.
I was bound and determined to find the next level of “life isn’t just good, it’s fucking magical and endlessly so.”
My paranoia and fear continued to shape shift. When each fear arose, I soothed, connected to a higher perspective, thanked the experience and observed the next fear, rinse, repeat. It went exactly like this:
Fear of tumors in my abdomen.
Fear of spontaneously getting epilepsy.
Fear my heart will explode.
Fear of going blind.
Fear of going deaf.
Fear my man will die.
Fear I will be in a car accident.
Fear my clients hate me.
Fear I will be persecuted.
Fear I will be attacked by a dog.
Fear I will fall down a flight of stairs
Fear I have melanoma.
Fear of getting in “trouble,” whatever that means.
Fear of getting bedbugs.
Fear of being possessed beyond my control.
Fear of old hag syndrome.
Fear that Pennywise was in my closet, and a monster was under my bed…
I didn’t think my fears had a bottom, but apparently they did. Once the fear devolved into a monster under the bed I was able to see it for what it truly was, nonsense.
This awareness didn’t mean they completely went away. In the days following this realization, I continued my mental upkeep and addressing each fear as they whack-a-moled into my mind.
There’s a serious misconception that once you address a fear it should be eliminated from your experience forever, and that’s simply not the case. Fears will persistently come up when they’ve been practiced over and over again. And in order to fully “install” a preferred belief, you need to be just as persistent with actively choosing and feeling that again and again.
One of the things I told myself going into this round of APEX was that I wanted to play out to the absolute fullest... I wanted to max out, reach a new height. I definitely didn’t expect to get there 2.5 weeks in. 😳
Anyway, this was a significant week, and there’s only more to come. I’ll continue sharing developments as they unfold! Stay tuned.
PS: the next round of APEX is happening in April 2024. If you’re wanting to secure your seat or get an extended payment plan, please reach out to my team at hello@onyxhealing.com so they can set you up.
If you wanna learn more about APEX, you can read more here:
REFINEMENT WEEK (APEX: WEEK 2)
(refinement week)
This week, I officially broke into the crying-tears-of-appreciation stage. Normally, it takes me a bit longer to get into this zone, but I’ve been doing some pretty intense meditations over the past couple days which have really cracked things open.
Week 2 of APEX is notorious for being the most boring. It’s when slip ups are most likely to occur, and you’ve settled into a nice routine, but you’re facing new levels of boredom that can be extremely uncomfortable at first. Boredom is tricky… it’s the emotional temptress that seduces you into numbness. It can either derail you completely, or open up major opportunities for deeper listening, inspired action, and alignment.
The other thing to note about week 2 is it’s a “3D lag” week, meaning, most people are not in full harvest mode even if they’re seeing energetic movement. It can be easy to screw around during this time and forget that each and every move you make is going to have an impact on the weeks, months, and years to come.
I decided to call this time “refinement week” because that’s exactly what it is. You’re much more conscious and on point than the week prior, but can see all the places where you can take yourself even further. I find that your level of commitment and refinement during this stage really sets the tone for what unfolds later.
Personally, this time has been ripe with breakthroughs, and as a result, my creative inspiration is flowing like crazy.
APEX is known to drastically shift people’s perception and experience of time, but this week has really put some things into perspective - specifically my relationship with TikTok (ironic much?) Every time I go into this protocol it forces me to put attention on how intentional I am being with my time and how much impact I am baking into every moment. I’m sure I’ll have more to write about this soon…
I’ve decided to release the idea of creating on or consuming TikTok even after this round of APEX is complete. My experience is that it’s very difficult to control your focus (and therefore your vibration) when you’re on TikTok - much more than on other social media platforms.
It’s a time thief.
A black hole.
The place where time goes to die.
If I am not utilizing time energetically in the moment, then that time does not have the opportunity to serve me later. The past two weeks have really illustrated how important the utilization of my time is, because it’s always adding up.
COOL SHIT THAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK:
My Slut Magic pre-launch has been going way better than expected!
Tried a new recipe.
I recorded a great podcast episode (well, at least I think it was fantastic hehe) it’s the MOMENTUM episode of Sunday Messages ep: 257.
I haven’t had a headache in 11 days! (In case you don’t know, I get headaches often - 11 days without one is a HUGE win. It feels like a personal record lol.)
Did some significant recalibration around layers of insecurity I’ve been numbing (I’m feeling significantly more stable and confident).
I’ve been “in the lab” for Slut Magic, as I desire to continue adding to that program.
Client successes are already rolling in (improved relationships, new opportunities, new career paths, deep emotional repairs, ya know… all the usual APEX stuff). These celebrations started happening just 9 days in!
Launched a free, monthly workshop called “notes from future self” and I’m so excited about it! (If you want in on this, make sure you’re subscribed to my newsletter here).
Came to the conclusion that I no longer want to consume TikTok even when I’m finished with this fast… the platform itself is quite brutal on my nervous system and ability to focus. I do not miss it, and I don’t want to pressure myself to create short form content when it’s really not my passion, clearly. Apparently I’m a blogger girlie now? Lol.
I’ve been having BOMB ASS meditations! God, I’ve fallen back in love with my practice. I can’t get enough. Right now I’m doing 30-40 minutes about 3 times per day.
I had some personal relationship wins that would take too much explaining for them to make sense in one bullet point. Let’s just say, things are very, very good.
Holy smokes! It’s wild to see how much happens in a week when it’s all listed out like this.
Alrighty! I will talk to you next week to chat all about week 3!
DETOX WEEK (APEX: WEEK 1)
(detox week)
If you’ve been in my world for some time now, you’ve likely heard me talk about “detox week.” Basically, the first week of APEX is when all the stuff you’ve been numbing comes to the surface to be worked through (oh goodie).
It’s not always the prettiest, but it clears the energetic pipes so to speak. If you happen to be busy or living a very full life the first 2 weeks of APEX, the true detox phase hits around week 3 or 4, but in my experience, week 1 is when most people experience this phase.
THIS TIME, MY DETOX LOOKED LIKE:
Exhaustion the first 2 days
Increased sensitivity to my body
Changes in digestion (that full story is at the bottom of this blog)
Irritability/agitation
Health OCD returned with a vengeance, I suspect I’ve been numbing my anxiety and fear so now I get to properly recalibrate it.
Detox week requires the most maintenance and diligence of the entire protocol, so I am seriously looking forward to week 2… but despite the detox, per usual, I was still showered in blessings! Check it out…
COOL SHIT THAT HAPPENED THIS WEEK:
After months of trying to “figure it out”, I got a huge piece of branding clarity about a new program I’m releasing.
Productivity has been off the charts.
I have the biggest waitlist to date!
Was led to new exercises and dietary adjustments after setting intentions about my vitality.
Started a blog hehe.
Inquiries for the next round of APEX are already coming through - I’ve been dreaming about this for years! (If you want to secure your seat, submit your application here and my team will set you up.)
Did tons of mindset and emotional work all week, nothing has been left to fester.
Relationship improvements (ie: deeper intimacy, improved communication, etc.) - historically, changes in my relationship were most evident after week 4, this time I’m seeing them week 1.
I’m having an abnormal amount of website traffic and social media engagement.
Received the most incredible testimonial from Slut Magic after doing mindset work on how the program is perceived (cough cough, Slut Magic is on pre-sale this week only - check it out here).
Danced… like a lot.
Accessed greater levels of pleasure and sensation in my body (this is important for money, visibility, success, and love).
My pelvic floor physical therapist confirmed a date for her guest lecture inside Slut Magic (coming this November).
Unexpectedly got a huge increase on my credit limit.
Oh! And my VA sent me the coolest message, she took a few pointers just from the APEX PDF (keep in mind this is not the protocol) and manifestations started rolling in the following week! How wild is that?! Look at the messages she sent me:
HOLY MOLY BATMAN! THIS IS JUST WEEK 1! STAY TUNED TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT…
THE NEXT STORY IS TMI, STOP READING HERE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THAT.
The very first day of APEX, I decided to make my favorite soup - it’s a recipe I’ve made dozens of times and it’s a staple of my fall and winter diet. One pot of this particular soup lasts me about 4 days.
Now… when I say week 1 is detox week, I mean that in every sense of the word. Generally speaking, I experience improvements in my digestion within the first 7 days of APEX. Changes are to be expected, but what happened next was not exactly what I had in mind.
It all started Day 2 when I ate my soup as usual and also happened to have about 6oz of kombucha. Shortly after, my stomach became extremely bloated and I had gas pain that made it nearly impossible to sleep. I laid in bed, sweating and contorting my body in an attempt to get relief until 1 or 2am when I eventually dozed off.
The next morning, I concluded the kombucha was to blame and threw it out.
I had my typical morning meeting in the bathroom when I was horrified to discover uncharacteristically loose stool. The strangest thing about all of this was I hadn’t eaten anything out of the ordinary… As they day went on, I assumed the situation was resolved and my digestion would go back to normal.
Some time later, the abdominal pain returned. I could feel a massive amount of GI movement and began to panic as another heinous bathroom meeting commenced. What the fuck?
The abdominal discomfort would go away for awhile, only to return long enough to frighten me. Bear in mind, I had no other symptoms. Eventually, my health anxiety came to a crescendo and I decided to call my grandmother late that evening.
“What’s going on? Are you okay?” she asked.
”I’m sorry to call like this, would you mind telling me how I would be able to tell if I had appendicitis?”
After she talked me off the ledge, I was soothed until bedtime, only to have the same symptoms arise the following day. I spent hours contemplating what could possibly be causing this to no avail.
Day 5 was no different. For lunch, I heated my last cup of soup on the stovetop and added some extra broth since it wasn’t quite a full serving. I sat on the couch and gleefully sipped my soup while chatting with a girlfriend on the phone.
After another bathroom meeting that evening, I was truly perplexed - 4 days of this with no other symptoms and no dietary changes.
Until a memory struck me: while at Costco the previous weekend, I decided to grab a new brand of bone broth and used that as half the base of my soup. This specific bone broth was almost pure gelatin.
I felt the impulse and took to Google: does bone broth cause diarrhea?
Unbeknownst to me… it turns out bone broth is a natural diarrhetic. BONE BROTH IS A NATURAL DIARRHETIC.
Here I am, blissfully eating huge bowls of laxative soup every night, while I’m unknowingly inducing a full blown colon cleanse.
You should see all the articles on bone broth:
“If you’re having diarrhea, you should reduce your intake.”
”You should avoid consuming too much since it can cause diarrhea!”
”Bone broth is full of magnesium!”
So anyway… I wanted a detox and I certainly got one. *sigh*
That’s all for now!
MY BOOBS GREW 5 CUP SIZES WITHOUT SURGERY
MY ENTIRE BODY MODIFICATION JOURNEY
2017:
I think it’s about time I give you the full story… It all started in 2017, the photo on the left was my “normal” baseline body, before I was hit with a life altering mental health crisis. I won’t go into the full details of that here, but it wasn’t pretty. I had absolutely no desire or intention to lose weight when I took the photo on the left.
The photo on the right was after dropping nearly 30 pounds in under 2 months due to stress vomiting and loss of appetite. While I wasn’t blaming myself for what happened, there was a sense of having “lost” my body, and feeling unrecognizable.
2018 - 2019:
The following years I was primarily focused on regulating my nervous system, going to therapy each week, and getting back to feeling mentally well. Body modification wasn’t really a focus at this point, and I was still struggling to put on the weight that I lost.
2020:
I didn't have a very clear perception of what I looked like in 2020 and these are the most difficult photos to look at, personally. While I don’t look like I need to be hospitalized, this far from being a healthy baseline body weight.
2021:
This was the year that things really began to change. Mid way through the year, I fell back in love with cooking, started taking better care of myself, and October of 2021 was when I did my first round of APEX (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, click here).
MY JOE DISPENZA THEORY:
Even if you don’t personally like Joe Dispenza’s work, you have to admit there’s something remarkable about the spontaneous remissions, vanishing tumors, and people regaining their ability to walk over the course of a weekend. This really got me thinking about what was physically possible for the human body.
During the first round of APEX, I had a lot of free time, space to think, and I was really tired of looking like Skeletor. I was spending nearly 2 hours in meditation each day when the idea came to me: if you can shrink something like a tumor, surely you can grow parts of your body!
This was around the time that I really started to play with the idea of cosmetic energetic body modification. I desperately wanted my boobs back, only this time, I wanted them to be bigger and better than ever! I was not trying to “go back” (which is a mistake in my opinion), I was deliberately creating a new experience with my body.
Over the next few months, I spent a lot of time meditating, experimenting, playing with different processes I was developing, and finding what worked.
2022:
This was the year everything changed.
Toward the end of January 2022, I made the decision that I was going to get serious about body modification, and go all-in on the processes I developed. Within 5 months, my boobs had grown so much that my Instagram audience began speculating whether or not I had a breast augmentation.
Of course, there was a certain amount of breast growth to be expected since I did desire to return to my normal baseline weight. However, once my body came back to being its normal size… my boobs kept growing. In the photo on the right, I am nowhere near my heaviest, yet my boobs were the biggest they had ever been (at that time).
I even asked one of my former sexual partners to be completely honest with me and tell me if I had simply gained weight or if this truly isolated breast growth (he and I had an ongoing relationship for about 10 years, so if anyone knows my boobs at all different weights, it’s him!)
I shared the full story about our conversation last year on my podcast, listen here.
The photo on the right I’m wearing a 34F.
2023:
Okay, let’s talk measurements and what I’m doing now when it comes to body modification.
For reference, my band size has consistently been a 34. The biggest my boobs had ever been was a 34DD, but after the 2017 weight loss I hadn’t fully regained that volume…
In 2020, I wasn’t wearing many bras or measuring myself regularly, but I was about a 34D. It’s possible that at certain points in the year I could have gotten down to a C cup and didn’t know it.
In 2021, I hovered in the 34D range.
In 2022, I began rapidly outgrowing my bras around the summertime. By October I was measuring at 34F, and my goal for 2023 was to get to 34H by the end of the year.
By May 2023 I was measuring at 34H.
As of today, October 4th, I’m measuring at 34I.
Even writing that seems completely absurd, but it tracks when you realize that every inch of growth is a cup size. At this point in time, I have no intention of stopping… and yes, I do have a goal for 2024 but that’s a secret at the moment hehe.
My body modification style this year has been much different, I was much more relaxed and willing to ride the momentum of my own expectation a bit more. My growth this year has largely been a result of expectation more so than processes. I’ve had other body modification projects going on like growing my hair back (that’s a story for another time), and cleaning up some of my self criticism.
I fully intend on focusing more deliberately on breast growth this upcoming year - I will most definitely share the results (get on my newsletter if you want updates - just sign up at the bottom of this page).
This is the same red bra I was wearing in the previous “after” photo.
SLUT MAGIC:
In case you didn’t know, it’s currently Slut Magic season in my corner of the internet! It’s my hub for body modification, pleasure practices, NSFW tutorials, all that juicy stuff! The doors open seasonally - if you’re reading this after the doors are closed, just get on the waitlist!